On my heart right now…

I am bringing this little guy home tomorrow.

I am incredibly excited.

I can’t wait to see Rick and the other three boys in the morning. I can’t wait to embrace them all in my arms. I can’t wait to ask Angus what he’s been learning on the computer. I can’t wait to offer Pete a cookie, because I know he’ll be hungry as soon as he sees me. I can’t wait to ruffle Jamie’s hair and call him “a big boy.” I can’t wait for them to rush over to Edward with their hugs and kisses. I can’t wait to leave the hospital with all four boys in tow. I can’t wait to strap them into our Land Rover, climb into the front and look back at the four of them and smile. I can’t wait to hug Rick in the car. I can’t wait to arrive home, and begin our life together as a family of six. I can’t wait to start being a mother to four boys.

And yet, even as I write this with my heart full of joy, there are tears streaming down because I know there is something missing.

There is always someone missing.

Cameron is always missing.

If only he weren’t, there would be four boys walking down the corridor tomorrow morning. There would be four boys rushing over to little baby Edward. There would be five boys leaving the hospital with us. Five boys seated in the Land Rover. Five boys when we arrived home. We would begin life as a family of seven, not six. And I would be a mother to five boys, not four.

I do not mind these tears. On the contrary, I cherish them.

They are proof of my love for Cameron. They are proof of the life that he lived.

They are proof that I am a mother of five boys, not four. I became a mother because of Cameron, after all.

And so, tomorrow I am bringing little Edward home.

And I am excited. Yet I am also sad.

But even though I do not get to mother five boys as I yearn to do, I am thankful for the four whom God has entrusted to us.

Tomorrow, a new life begins, and I shall embrace it and I shall cherish it. And every day, I shall remember how blessed I am – even with one missing.

33 comments

Amy @ Wildflower Ramblings April 18, 2013 at 2:28 pm

Prayers to you today. You will see your Cameron one day again ♥

Reply

Anne-Marie Cox April 18, 2013 at 2:33 pm

Oh Ronnie… :’(
Never missing from your heart I am sure. <3

Reply

Marie April 18, 2013 at 3:32 pm

You ARE a mother of five boys and you’ll always be… Take care of U. Marie xoxo

Reply

SusanC April 18, 2013 at 3:41 pm

Hugs to you.

Reply

Latrina April 18, 2013 at 6:08 pm

Oh, Ronnie. My heart aches for you. I can not imagine…

…I am just at a lose of words. You wrote so beautifully, I could feel your excitement, your worries and your sadness. Hugs to you!

Now you’ll be able to share wonderful stories of Cameron with Edward. :) He will learn of strength, compassion and the never-ending yet always strong love of a family. <3 Those are such blessings.

Welcome home, Ronnie. :)

Reply

Marcia Francois April 18, 2013 at 6:41 pm

Ronnie, what a beautiful post. I can’t even imagine what that’s like but my heart breaks for you nonetheless :)

Give those four boys the biggest hugs ever!

Reply

Carin April 18, 2013 at 7:08 pm

Ronnie, my heart goes out to you. I can’t even imagine what it is like, but I feel for you so deeply. Woman to woman. Mother to mother. Hugs to you.

Reply

Katherine Vargas April 18, 2013 at 7:31 pm

My heart breaks as i read this post Ronnie this is a beautiful post.
((Hugs))
Katherine.

Reply

Life with Kaishon April 18, 2013 at 7:32 pm

I am so happy for you. So very happy.

Reply

Jessica April 18, 2013 at 8:54 pm

“They are proof of my love for Cameron. They are proof of the life that he lived.” Yes, yes, yes – you are so remarkable! Sending virtual hugs and cheek pinches (the former for you, the latter for the new bebe. :)

Reply

ChrisyC April 18, 2013 at 9:16 pm

Beautiful Ronnie – thanks for being so open and honest with us. .

Reply

Ritz April 18, 2013 at 9:34 pm

My prayers and love to you, Ronnie. My heart aches even thinking what it must be like but you are so strong and open about your feelings you have kept Cameron alive in your memories, always!
Ritz xx

Reply

Antonia April 18, 2013 at 9:47 pm

Beautifully put Ronnie. I can’t imagine your emotions right now, but I’m sure Cameron will be with you all in spirit xxx

Reply

Sally April 18, 2013 at 10:14 pm

Oh Ronnie, I know. xo

Reply

Yin April 18, 2013 at 11:26 pm

Prayers and love with you.

Reply

Bron April 18, 2013 at 11:49 pm

Congratulations to you all…you will be superb in your loving….i know what those tears alike upon bringing a new baby home…yes they are good tears but none the less tears of something that could have been. xxx

Reply

Buckeroomama April 18, 2013 at 11:50 pm

Beautiful post, Ronnie. *hugs*

Reply

Sandra Bunch April 19, 2013 at 4:20 am

Oh Ronnie, I so love your heartfelt posts. Yes, you ARE a mother to 5. One of them is your angel, and our angels are always by our side. And you know that God only gives us what we can handle.
Big hugs xo

Reply

Amanda April 19, 2013 at 5:02 am

Oh Ronnie, your words touch my heart so very much. I feel your sorrow through your beautiful words. You are and always will be a Mum to five… and a beautiful, caring, warm one too xx

Reply

Kylez @ A Stuy in Contradictions April 19, 2013 at 7:31 am

Beautiful post. It must be such a bittersweet feeling. I hope your first days at home together go well and are filled with much joy and laughter.

Reply

Johanna April 19, 2013 at 9:21 am

Dear Ronnie, sending you my heartfelt wishes from this side of planet earth – I feel so lucky you reached out one day and left a comment on my blog, as this is how I came to “know” a bit about you and the story of your now five beautiful sons. Thank you so much for sharing your love for them and this world with all of us!

Reply

Jo April 19, 2013 at 10:50 am

Oh my thoughts are with you and your husband. To know that someone is missing must be heartbreaking. I think it is wonderful how you still talk about Cameron, my mum had another baby after me, and she has never been mentioned, ever. I am a big sister, but not.

Reply

Jess April 19, 2013 at 11:55 am

Ronnie, sweet beautiful Ronnie, you write so beautifully that we all feel your emotions so clearly.

You’re 6 boys will be there, Cameron won’t be missing out watching over you all on such a momentous occasion.

Sending lots of love as always your way. xoxo

Reply

Susan April 20, 2013 at 2:40 am

*hugs* *love* *light* congratulations and thinking of you all. this is the beginning of something even more amazing – Cameron will always be with you xx

Reply

Taryn April 20, 2013 at 6:01 am

Love how eloquently you share Ronnie! I’ve been wondering how it will feel… To be bringing home our third child in four months time knowing that our second never had the privilege of being part of our family on the outside! I know God in His wisdom gives & takes away… And my heart will continually choose to say Blessed be Your name! But there is still a great deal of sadness in me that I never got to hold that precious little one in my arms, to feed her, to bathe her, to shower her with love! I am particularly torn emotionally knowing that the precious child growing inside me wouldn’t be with us if our second had not been called home early…

Enjoy your boys! Your precious little Edward being added to your family! Enjoy all the cuddles you can with the boys you have been blessed with as part of your family earth side! And hugs for the sadness & struggle it is to be a Mummy to a precious little one you will only meet in heaven! At least it’s my prayer that is what happens! :-)

Reply

simplypearl April 20, 2013 at 1:44 pm

oh ronnie, my heart feels your pain and your excitement. thank you for being so open and honest. xoxo

Reply

rachel April 20, 2013 at 9:12 pm

You are a beautiful and courageous mama, Ronnie. My aches for your sorrow and your joy. Be blessed! xoxo

Reply

Elizabeth April 21, 2013 at 5:35 pm

So sweet; glad that you share your words even when they are of sadness. Happy that God has given you four sweet boys to live with here on this earth.

Reply

Jane Y. April 22, 2013 at 12:49 am

Always so sweet and thoughtful. Hope you are enjoying beautiful time with your family right now.

Reply

Michelle April 22, 2013 at 12:19 pm

I have walked these steps, thought these thoughts and felt these emotions, if I hadn’t learnt before I most certainly learnt that day the feeling called bittersweet. 14 years on almost 15 and it still feels like yesterday. Cameron is only missing from your sight, never your heart xx

Reply

debie grace May 9, 2013 at 9:15 am

*hugs*, Ronnie.

Reply

I love hearing from you!

33 comments

Previous post:

Next post: