As I was putting Jamie to bed tonight, he started playing with my locket. We opened it together, and immediately he pointed to me and said, “Mummy!” I asked him who the baby was, and he pointed at himself and exclaimed, “Me!”
Looking at his gorgeous smiling face, I started tearing up.
It was true: he really did look a lot like Cameron when he was a baby himself. I could see him watching me curiously as I wept.
“Sad?” he asked in his cute little voice.
“Yes,” I replied softly. “Mummy sad…”
Together, we looked at the photo inside the locket again. This time, I pointed to Cameron, and said, “This is Cameron. Your other brother.”
“Bro…ther,” he repeated hesitantly.
“Yes, your brother. His name is Cameron. Can you say Cameron?”
“Cam…ron.”
Hearing Jamie repeat Cameron’s name so beautifully made me weep all the more. I hugged him closer to me, and covered his plump face with kisses. “I love you so much, little boy.”
These days, I’ve been listening to The Studio Gibili piano soundtrack and it keeps taking me four years back to the spring when I first started listening to the music.
It was the spring of Cameron’s first anniversary. It was the spring when we finally interred his ashes. It was the spring when we anxiously awaited Angus’ arrival. It was the spring when we finally welcomed a healthy baby into our arms. It was the spring when it came crashing down on us once more all that we had lost…
Truly, it is the most beautiful music.
It is music that fills me with love. Music that makes my heart ache. Music that causes me to weep.
It is music that slows me down. It causes me to be still, and actually feel the love that I carry for each of my four boys. It is music that makes me remember how blessed I am to be their mum.
It is music that makes me cry. And music that makes me feel alive.
It is music that reminds me of Cameron’s absence, and of the tragedy it was to lose him. It reminds me of all those dark days. All that grief. All that pain.
And at the same time, all that hope. And all that love.
But most of all, it is music that tells me to never stop mothering.
To never stop remembering.
To never stop crying.
To never stop feeling.
And to never stop loving.
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44 comments
This is so moving. Thank you for scary such personal moment in your life.
I’m touched that you took the time to read about it, Meg. Thank you.
Ronnie xo
beautiful… thank you for sharing <3
Thank you for reading, Theresa.
Hope you guys have settled in well to your new home…
Ronnie xo
Oh Ronnie, what a difficult thing to explain to your boys. My mum lost her older brother when she was just 3 or 4 years of age, as the oldest sister she was the only one of the 4 to have known their brother, he was her best friend … it still affects her today, 65 years later. When my granny passed away 3 years ago, the only thing my mum wanted was the framed photo of her brother that my grandparents always kept on their mantlepiece. It now sits on my mother’s mantlepeice …
xxx
I sm so sorry for your grandparents and your mum’s loss. How terribly sad. Do you know how old he was when he died? We never do forget the ones we love. We simply learn to live with their absence…
Ronnie xo
So beautiful and I love that you can see your oldest son in the faces of your children-you will always remember him.
I know, it is extremely precious when we see Cameron in the faces of our other boys. They are truly brothers in every way.
Ronnie xo
Oh Ronnie, such a touching post – I’m welling up too. You take care :) x
Will do, Geraldine…
Ronnie xo
What a beautiful, precious moment, it brought tears to my eyes. Hugs to you x
Thanks Kylie, that means a lot.
Ronnie xo
Such a beautiful description of an unspeakably painful yet beautiful moment. Thank you for sharing it so eloquently.
Thanks Lilly, it was one of those moments I wanted to remember forever…
Ronnie xo
You are so strong and such a wonderful mother
Thank you for such kind words, Jacquelyn…
Ronnie xo
so beautiful, Ronnie.
thank you.
xo
Hugs to you Alexandra.
Ronnie xo
You are such a wonderful writer, Ronnie. Your words always comes straight from your soul. Thank you so much for sharing this precious story with us… I can not imagine how difficult it must be to explain that to your little boys. I am so glad you share Cameron’s life with them. It’s so very special. Again, thank you for sharing! <3
Take care of yourself!
Thank you Latrina. It’s amazing how much little children understand. From the very beginning, Rick and I knew that we would tell all our other children about Cameron, so that they would all grow up knowing that they had an older brother who went ahead of them….
Ronnie xo
Aww Jamie… he knows exactly how to make his mummy sad and happy at the same time
I know, he’s such a precious little man.
Ronnie xo
Stay strong Ronnie. Big hugs. xx
Thanks San!
Ronnie xo
nothing more breakable or resilant than a mommy’s heart.
hugs and love,
XO
What a wonderful description, Cory. So very true…
Ronnie xo
You have known such pain Ronnie and such love, thank you for sharing this with us, in your beautiful words.
Your boys are incredibly blessed to have you as their mother, and to have each other.
x Laura
Firstly Ronnie, I can not begin to imagine the pain you must feel at losing a child and my heart goes out to you and your husband.
What a touching and heart breaking moment shared with your son. I think it is really special that you are talking about Cameron with your children, and being open with them about their brother.
My parents also lost their first born son when he was 17 days old. I was born 2 years later and then soon after my sister was born. Like you, my parents were always honest with my sister and I, and we always knew about Duncan. We just knew that he lived in heaven instead of with us. To this day, his photo still sits on top of the piano alongside mine and my sisters’. I am thankful that my parents were honest with us, and I know that your boys will be too.
You are an exceptionally strong person and wonderful mother.
V xo
Oh Viki, your wonderful comment has brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing about Duncan. Thank you for your words of encouragement.
Your words have meant all the world… I too hope that our boys will grow up thankful that we spoke about Cameron to them.
Ronnie xo
Thanks Laura. And I am so blessed to have all of them…
Ronnie xo
I adore your writing Ronnie. With every post I can feel the emotion that you write with. I truly admire how open you are with your young boys about Cameron, I think your honesty with them will (and has) developed a compassion in them most children their age don’t have. Thanks for sharing these moments with us.
It is my joy and privilege to do so. And I truly appreciate your words of encouragement Chantel… thank you.
Ronnie xo
Your boys are so lucky to have such a beautiful generous woman as their mother. Although you are writing about such a deeply sad yet loving moment, as you say there is so much hope, life and therefore joy there too. Writing this, sharing this with others is so giving of you. It reminds us of what is important. It reminds us to be compassionate. We see love in action. It connects us to others. It makes us better people. Your writing is beautiful and powerful. Thank you. I only wish that you hadn’t had to go through such a loss. xx
Oh wow, spark. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Ronnie xo
What an absolutely beautiful post. I can’t necessarily relate to it as a mother but I’m sure my mother could, except that this happened during the 15th year of my brother’s life. No matter when a child passes away, it’s always a tragedy, saddening, heart breaking, if only it didn’t happen.
And I agree that your boys are lucky to have you and that you’re strong. :)
As others have mentioned, thank you for sharing this.
Tori,
That is absolutely true. It doesn’t matter how old our children are when we lose them – it is a lifelong devastation that we learn to leave with.
Thank you so much for stopping by, taking the time to read, and leaving such kind and beautiful words.
Ronnie xo
Such beautiful words. You write with such emotion and strength too. Being a mum is a blessing, but your boys are so blessed to have you as their mum too xx
Thank you Elisa, appreciate your kind words.
Ronnie xo
This is so beautiful! You’re lucky to have your boys with you and they’re lucky to have you, too! <3
Thank you, Debie.
Ronnie xo
your words of love moves me beyond description. i feel your tears moist my cheeks. thank you for being beautiful. its truly lovely to know you. i hope the song will grow to bring solace into your heart and life.
And thank you for always reading, and for your thoughtful and compassionate words, Niru..
Ronnie xo
Beautifully written, Ronnie.
Remembering Cameron with you always.
Tash xx
Thank you Tash. Thank you too for coming by and reading. Been thinking of you.
Ronnie xo