As I was putting Jamie to bed tonight, he started playing with my locket. We opened it together, and immediately he pointed to me and said, “Mummy!” I asked him who the baby was, and he pointed at himself and exclaimed, “Me!”
Looking at his gorgeous smiling face, I started tearing up.
It was true: he really did look a lot like Cameron when he was a baby himself. I could see him watching me curiously as I wept.
“Sad?” he asked in his cute little voice.
“Yes,” I replied softly. “Mummy sad…”
Together, we looked at the photo inside the locket again. This time, I pointed to Cameron, and said, “This is Cameron. Your other brother.”
“Bro…ther,” he repeated hesitantly.
“Yes, your brother. His name is Cameron. Can you say Cameron?”
Hearing Jamie repeat Cameron’s name so beautifully made me weep all the more. I hugged him closer to me, and covered his plump face with kisses. “I love you so much, little boy.”
These days, I’ve been listening to The Studio Gibili piano soundtrack and it keeps taking me four years back to the spring when I first started listening to the music.
It was the spring of Cameron’s first anniversary. It was the spring when we finally interred his ashes. It was the spring when we anxiously awaited Angus’ arrival. It was the spring when we finally welcomed a healthy baby into our arms. It was the spring when it came crashing down on us once more all that we had lost…
Truly, it is the most beautiful music.
It is music that fills me with love. Music that makes my heart ache. Music that causes me to weep.
It is music that slows me down. It causes me to be still, and actually feel the love that I carry for each of my four boys. It is music that makes me remember how blessed I am to be their mum.
It is music that makes me cry. And music that makes me feel alive.
It is music that reminds me of Cameron’s absence, and of the tragedy it was to lose him. It reminds me of all those dark days. All that grief. All that pain.
And at the same time, all that hope. And all that love.
But most of all, it is music that tells me to never stop mothering.
To never stop remembering.
To never stop crying.
To never stop feeling.
And to never stop loving.
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