This morning, all five of us packed into the car to see our obstetrician.
Inside that familiar room, we saw what we had hoped to see on the ultrasound machine: our newest little family member, already with a perfectly formed body, wriggling around and waving to us.
In that instant, my heart expanded.
Afterwards in the car, I wept a little – tiny tears of joy and love trickled down my face as I thanked God for this new beginning. This new blessing.
We are all incredibly excited – Rick, myself, and the three boys. Even Jamie understands that there is a baby in “mummy’s tummy,” and all three of them have been taking it in turns to kiss said tummy. Meanwhile, Rick and I keep looking at each other with awe, with wonderment, with thankfulness, and with love. It is such a miracle to be able to create life together.
It is no secret that Rick and I want a big family. This wasn’t always the case. But after we lost Cameron, it struck us both how children are indeed a precious, precious gift from God. The night we came home from the hospital after Cam had died, God put it on both our hearts to have many more children. Five years on, we both still feel the same way.
Of course, none of this is in our control. Every pregnancy is a miracle, and every baby that safely arrives into this world is a miracle. This I know with every cell of my being. Whenever I look at Angus, Pete and Jamie walking, talking, playing, fighting, crying, yelling, eating, laughing, smiling, singing, etc., I can’t help but be reminded of what a gift they are. I can’t believe that they are here, that they came from inside me, that they are alive, healthy and growing. Sure, they drive us crazy every day (think car trips and meal times), but neither of us can imagine our lives without them.
As this new little baby continues to grow, it is my heartfelt prayer that God will sustain his/her life, and that s/he will be born safely. One thing is certain my friends: no matter what happens, we love this child from the bottom of our hearts.
I am only just coming to the end of my first trimester, hence my extreme exhaustion and my nausea. It is hard for me to sit still and take a step back from projects, but for now, resting is a top priority. It’s what I need, and what the baby needs.
I look forward to sharing the next seven months with you – thank you as always for reading along! It means the world to me.
(I write all this knowing that some of you reading this have also lost children, and that some of you bear the burden of infertility. My heart goes out to you, and I hope this post has not brought you too much additional pain. It truly breaks my heart that we live in such a broken world…)
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