It hurts.

It is that time of the year again.

This entire week, I have been re-living that last week of Cameron’s life. A memory here. A memory there. Enveloping me when I least expect it.

Tears. They have come. And they have gone. And they have come again.

I have stayed at home all week. Trying to take it easy. Looking after the boys. Resting whenever I can. Soaking in the boys at every opportunity.

It does not escape me how blessed I am. To have these three gorgeous boys in my life. They are such a blessing. Such a blessing.

They have seen their mummy cry this week, and they have all been so sweet. Even little Jamie who is only one and a half knows how to smile his precious smile to help ease mummy’s pain. Pete, in particular, has been so caring – putting his forehead on mine whenever he sees me in tears. “Mummy sad?” he would ask me. “Yes, mummy sad.”

This week I’ve realised that a mother’s guilt never goes away. Even five years on, I still fear that I caused Cameron’s death. That had I been less pre-occupied that week with the design job I had on, he would’ve arrived earlier. And lived.

Those last five days of Cameron’s life haunt me. Monday was his due date. Tuesday we went to see our doctor. Wednesday and Thursday I was still working on the client’s magazine. Friday night we went out to a friend’s farewell…

Saturday, he died.

It haunts me that no matter how many times that week replays itself in my head, I cannot change the outcome.

All I have are my ‘if onlys’.

If only we’d induced him that Tuesday.

If only I hadn’t been working up till that week.

If only I’d slowed down.

If only I’d paid more attention to his movements that Friday.

If only we hadn’t gone out that night.

If only we’d booked an earlier induction date than the following Monday.

If only.

If only.

I have been so short on words this week. Too tired to actually verbalise what I am feeling inside.

But it comes down to this: Cameron is gone. And it hurts.

I love him. I miss him. And it hurts.

I wish he hadn’t died. I wish he were alive.

It hurts.

Photo above: Rick and our other three boys at Akuna Bay.

26 comments

Elisa {With Grace & Eve} September 13, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Oh Ronnie :( I can’t even fathom your pain/hurt. Yet my heart hurts for you. Hoping the rest of your week is lighter, more gentle and filled with so much love xx

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eskimo*rose September 13, 2012 at 11:27 pm

Oh Ronnie, you write so beautifully about your pain, it always makes me cry. I have a good friend here in the UK who suffered a similar loss, I know what she went through and 9 years on how she still has days that are hard, how difficult it is to grieve without memories to cling onto …

Your three younger boys are amazing, its incredible how observant and empathetic they are, what a blessing they must be and a reason to be strong.

Thinking of you xxx

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Diane September 14, 2012 at 12:04 am

my heart aches for you

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krystal/village September 14, 2012 at 2:16 am

i am so sorry to read this. it is especially moving as i am due any day. but don’t blame yourself, ever.

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Audrey - This Little Street September 14, 2012 at 2:55 am

Ronnie – so sorry to hear your pain. I can’t even image how I would feel if something like this happened to me – because, really, it could happen to any one of us, so don’t be harsh on yourself. Don’t blame yourself. You’re one strong mama.

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Laura Gofton September 14, 2012 at 5:48 am

Ronnie, gosh, I can only glimpse the pain you must be in. I don’t have many words, please just know my thoughts are with you. xx laura

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Latrina September 14, 2012 at 7:18 am

Oh, Ronnie… I am in tears as I read your words. It breaks my hurt to know how much you are hurting but it breaks it even more so knowing that you feel guilty. Please, don’t. Life has it’s on way of working out — nothing you did was the cause of this.. and sadly, nothing you could have done to prevent it. Please don’t beat yourself up. You are such a wonderfully beautiful person. I am sending you so many good vibes… and wishing you well & love throughout this week and the next.

It is so sweet how loving and understanding your little boys are. You are very lucky. :) They love you dearly, that is for certain!

*hugs and lots of well wishes*

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lamina @ do a bit September 14, 2012 at 8:21 am

Dearest Ronnie,

BIG BIG hugs!

Thinking of you, your lovely family and Cameron xxx

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shinelittlelight* September 14, 2012 at 11:58 am

I only have tears for you. *s*

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trishie September 14, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Big hug to you Ronnie. This must be such a painful and difficult time for you but I’m glad to hear your beautiful boys are being so sweet and supportive.

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Soph Russell September 14, 2012 at 12:28 pm

praying for you this week xoxo

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Niru September 14, 2012 at 4:22 pm

i feel you tears streaming down my eyes. may god please bless you with solace…
i love you.

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rooth September 14, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Big hug to you Ronnie. And big hug to your boys too, who are such thoughtful sons and love their mummy so very much

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Vicki September 15, 2012 at 12:16 am

Oh, sweet Ronnie. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and ease a little of your pain. There are no magic words for something like this, but I wish there were. Thinking of you.

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Charlotte September 16, 2012 at 2:16 am

I can’t fathom the pain you’ve gone through – now and in the past – but I know you know that you couldn’t have changed a thing. God had Cameron’s life orchestrated from the beginning. I know you know that in your head, but don’t feel it in your heart right now. But it’s a truth to hold onto at any rate.

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Shoko September 16, 2012 at 10:50 am

Sending you love and prayers always. You’re amazing.

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Sarah Ann Noel September 17, 2012 at 7:54 am

Ronnie.

Oh I had no idea. I’ve been reading such a short time. I’m so sorry you bear the weight of this. Will be thinking of you and praying.

Love,
Sarah

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Angela September 17, 2012 at 4:20 pm

I know no words could ever take away your pain. So I don’t know what to say, no words seem enough, but know that God knows your heart and you are in my prayers. Much love to you and your family. xo

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Vivian Doan September 18, 2012 at 1:17 am

Dear Ronnie. You should not blame yourself for Cameron’s death. Sometimes working too much makes the baby come early, like in my case. I blamed myself for working too much and having a preterm baby. I am grateful that he came out healthy. I think that in life, we strive to find meaning in the events that hurt us the most but thd sad truth is that sometimes there is no one to blame and no explanation. One day you will find that place where you can forgive yourself. I know it. I send you all my best wishes to get through this sad day. Xxx Vivian

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Fiona September 20, 2012 at 6:53 am

Dear, dear Ronnie. I’m so sorry. Please don’t blame yourself. I hope you got through the day alright. Thankfully, you have such wonderful boys to help you through it. Hugs xoxo

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Kristin September 21, 2012 at 2:32 am

We listen as God guides us down our paths. Sometimes we find joy and sometimes complete devastation. It is so hard to understand why. But one thing is for sure– Cameron’s short life time helped saved countless other lives because you have inspired so many families with your story. While most babies who decide to stay in past their due dates will be just fine, some will not be. You’ve inspired many women (including myself) who naturally feel afraid of or hesitant about induction, to just go ahead schedule one earlier than they might’ve thought was necessary. In that way Cameron has helped many other babies. Still there is nothing we can do to avoid what God plans for us. The best we can hope for is to do what you have done, somehow staying strong and making lemons out of the absolute most sourest lemons life has to offer.

Many hugs from Kristin & family

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Kristin September 21, 2012 at 6:37 am

P.S. Ronnie, I just want to add– it is absolutely not your fault. I personally know two women who went 2 and 3 whole weeks past their due dates and their babies were okay. It is always tempting to say “if only” but always remember there was no reason at the time to suspect Cameron was in any danger at all.

Many blessing to the six of you…we’re thinking of you during these tough times.

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Wendy October 6, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been and how hard it continues to be. Thank you for sharing so openly. It reminds me that life is so precious, and these little ones of ours truly are miracles.

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natalie October 8, 2012 at 9:51 pm

wishing you peace x

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Lila December 12, 2012 at 12:30 am

As someone who has those if only I.. days, I understand, but I promise that it was nothing you did or didn’t do. So much love to and hope that the pain that never goes eases for you.

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I love hearing from you!

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