One of our parishioners gave me this lovely bunch of basil at church on Sunday. I popped it in a glass of water when I got home, and placed it onto our kitchen windowsill. I’ve been looking at it all day today, every time I pop in and out of the kitchen. It’s such a lovely, vibrant green. I love the freshness it adds to the room. One of these days, just maybe, we might start a herb garden of our own.
Last night, Angus pointed out to Rick during bedtime that there were a lot of photos of Cameron at our old house. For someone who is only three and a half, he understands a lot, notices everything and has an amazing memory. He knows that Cameron is a part of our family, even though he’s never met him. During bedtimes with Rick, he’ll tell Rick that he loves Cameron too, along with the rest of the family. He’s a beautiful boy, our Angus.
His comment about the photos of Cameron at our old place got me thinking: why haven’t I put up photos of Cam in our new home? After all, I can count on one hand how many framed photos we have: there’s one of the three boys in our family room; there’s one of Rick and me on our wedding day in the lounge; and there’s one of Angus and Pete with Rick in their room. Why didn’t I include Cameron’s photo somewhere? To think I didn’t even notice till Angus mentioned it. Such a contrast to when he first died, and I was desperate to fill our home with photos of him to help ease the pain.
Still, some things don’t change.
I experience the same stab of sadness when Angus is labelled our “first,” or Pete our “second,” or Jamie our “third.” I notice the empty seat at our dinner table every night. I weep when I read stories of other women whose babies were born sleeping. I continue to wonder what might have been if I’d been induced earlier. I still wish we had all four boys here with us instead of just three.
Tonight, I shall put up a photo of Cameron in our family room.
And I have no doubt Angus will be the first to notice in the morning.
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19 comments
Oh Ronnie, I’m crying with you. I can’t imagine the ongoing grief and loss, the cavernous depth of it.
A very dear and beautiful friend of mine met her baby girl for the first time while she was sleeping. Her strength and tenderness are tangible- and tears are always close to the surface.
I don’t have the right words, but I hear yours. What a tender soul your Angus is, hope the morning is a sweet one Ronnie.
xo em
Em,
Thank you for your wonderful words. Your friend is very blessed to have a friend like you. Can I ask what name she gave her baby girl?
Thanks for listening. And hearing.
Ronnie xo
Your Angus is a sweet sweet sweet boy and your family is that much better for it. Thinking of you as always Ronnie :)
He is very precious indeed. Thanks Rooth…
Ronnie xo
I love how you write about your experience and the loss of Cameron. It takes courage and it does a world of good for all of us out in the blogosphere. I can never read these posts without tearing up. His life has touched so many people and helped so many thanks to your ability to talk about it all. It’s also wonderful that you talk to your boys about their brother and share pictures of him. They’re lucky to have such honest parents. Sending prayers to you and your beautiful family of six.
“family of six” – Thank you Kristin, you are too beautiful for words.
Ronnie xo
Beautiful. Sending you good thoughts, best wishes, and lots of love.
Thank you Shoko.
Ronnie xo
This is beautiful. Thanks for your vulnerability and openness.
Thank you Ali, for visiting here and for your lovely comment.
Ronnie xo
What a perfect little soul Angus is. And family of six is right. You have four beautiful boys – all wonderful souls. And let’s not forget how lucky they are to have as wonderful a mother as you. xo
Jo, your words are so wonderful. Thank you.
Ronnie xo
Its beautiful to see how a river of verbal and unspoken communication flows through all your hearts… quietly binding your family’s roots of love. God bless!
That’s beautiful, Niru.
Ronnie xo
Oh Ronnie, I can’t imagine how hard it is to lose a child. I hope the picture you put up will become a joyful reminder of the anticipation of meeting your little boy again, and that the heartache will ease. Thank you for sharing so openly about such a tender and personal issue. Angus is such a sweetheart!
Thanks Fiona, this was very touching to read.
Ronnie xo
This brought tears to my eyes. What strength I see in you and admire so much. All four of your boys are just so precious. Cameron’s soul lives on peacefully. And what hope it brings knowing you two shall meet again. hugs to you Ronnie!
Thank you for your beautiful words, Amy.
Yes, we shall meet again, there is no doubt about that.
Ronnie xo
19 comments